Melancoly

I'm finding myself feeling very melancoly tonight and thankful that this feeling is not one I typically have. I feel so sad today for so many reasons and look forward to waking tomorrow with a bright start. I remember as a kid just floating through life and the biggest worry being having to come in at dark after playing outside all day. I think of how many serious things my kids have had to face in their young lives and how well they cope.

My dad is so confused. Alzheimers is a cruel disease. It has taken my strong, confident, capable, intellegent, hard-working man's man dad far away. His body is here and sometimes his mind is too. He had a completely lucid day about a week ago. It was God's grace that gave us that glimpse into the past. We all enjoyed that day. Today I called and he was confused, again. Mom had finally gotten out for a 30 minute exercise and he was at a loss on how to work the remote, didn't know who Obama is, what anything in the paper meant.... He doesn't understand the simplest things but has the abilty to remember things from 40 years ago. I am so thankful that he knows me everytime he sees me and everytime I call. I dread the day that won't be the case. Today he says to me, "Min, can you just sit down for a while til I know what's going on?" How can I say no to that even though I know that won't ever happen. But I stayed for a while and we visited. Mostly he asked the same few questions over and over while I repeated the same answer. Cruel. One of the hardest things for him is knowing that he has a problem with his memory. Maybe it would be easier if he just didn't know. My dad was not a perfect dad but he was great. He and mom had no example of parenting but managed to raise the three of us in a christian home full of love. That is God's grace! We were always a priority to both of them and they never mentioned the sacrifices they made to make sure we all had everything they could give us materially and emotionally. My dad worked and put himself through college, served in two wars, never missed a day of work that I can remember, put all three of us in braces, through college, college trips, a beautiful wedding for me, worked hard so my mom could stay home with us....he has been a loving dad. I am still thankful I can hug him daily and tell him I love him, and he tells me back! I hate that my mom has to see her friend, partner and husband deteriorate before her eyes. It is no easy road for her. I am burdened for her and feel helpless.

Tomorrow will be two months since the accident that changed so many lives forever. My heart is so heavy for Scott and Eric's parents and their brothers. I worry about Blake. I am haunted by the whole thing. I can't help thinking of it daily. I know so many people were touched by their lives. So many changed by their deaths. I am thankful that God is faithful to heal the broken-hearted. I am thankful that God is only a prayer away and He is mighty to save us. I need His peace today. I need to feel His presence and I am grateful that no matter how I feel, He does not change and He promises to never leave or forsake me. I am grateful His mercies are new every morning and I trust Him to be huge in the lives of those hurting.