Ramblings

Alzheimers as I've mentioned before......cruel. But it also has made me so aware of how I've been given a gift of sorts. It's so cliche' that we should cherish each day because we never know when it may be our last. I do believe in living each day to the fullest. I never want to live a day with regret. Regretting what I didn't do, should have done, shouldn't have done, wish I'd said or done - you get the picture. Life is precious and our time on this earth is short. I also am so thankful that this is not our home but I know God intends us to live here with purpose - eternal purpose.

Because my dad has Alzheimers we are all on hightened awareness that every day is an unknown. But that is true for all of us - we do not what tomorrow brings - we don't know what the next minute holds. I don't know when or if the day will come when my dad doesn't know me. I pray that day never comes. I am thankful for each day he recognizes my voice on the phone or my face when I walk in the door.

I noticed last week that as I reached down to hold his hand it felt different than it used to. So soft, thin, weak. Not like I remember as a child when he'd hold my hand, throw me in the air or hug me. His touch is soft now - not the strong one I took for granted all these years. He no longer talks or walks with confidence. He speaks of things in the past a lot more and sings silly songs for no apparent reason.

We've had the chance in the past month to celebrate several family birthdays and Mother's Day. My dad always signed my cards with a special little message and a loving signature. For my birthday this year he signed it simply Scott Barker which was then scribbled out and 3 little letters then written...... Dad. No message because he didn't know what to say or maybe even how to write it but I know he loves me - he tells me so daily.

I miss my dad. He's physically here and there are moments he is perfectly the dad I know and remember but often eclipsed by his lacking memory and all the things he used to be but will never be again this side of heaven - unless the God of our universe heals him here! I know that is fully in His power but either way God is good!