Tapestry of Grace

Occasionally, sometimes often, in His mercy, love and compassion, God gives me a tangible way to measure His presence and work in my life. I love looking back and recording our history together. A beautiful tapestry of our walk.  I stand on Hebrews 11:6 that says, "without faith it is impossible to please God." I believe not because I see but I love that I can look back and remind myself of His faithfulness to me and be encouraged to keep walking with Him. We walk by faith, not by sight. Over the past ten years, when I finally began surrendering to Him, my heart and mind have been renewed. I've not arrived. I'm certainly not finished, but praise God, I'm not who I once was. I am changed.

A decade ago,  I began the scariest journey of my life. I faced something I'd feared. But as soon as I reached out for His mighty right hand, He faithfully took me in His hands. God has walked the entire journey with me - carrying me at times no doubt, and in His great love and mercy has given me a new life! It is my daily prayer that my life will bring Him glory.

Among many other things, God divinely orchestrated my medical care ten years ago. I had other ideas about who my doctors would be but He had other plans. Better plans. One of those involved being part of a clinical trial. I remember sitting in the oncologist office waiting for him to tell me the battle plan. He wanted to bring in a lady to talk to us about being a part of a clinical trial. The last thing I wanted at that moment was a sales pitch or someone trying to get me to do something else I didn't want to do. But, Rick listened as I mentally checked out of the room. I don't think I heard a word she said. Fortunately, Rick did and he encouraged me to give it a try.

Medically speaking, the clinical trial drug upped my odds of being cancer free and staying cancer free. It would require more monitoring and 52 weeks of infusions once my 8 regular rounds of chemo was finished.  The biggest risk was damage to my heart but that would be monitored throughout the study via MUGA Heart Scan. A painless proceedure.

So, I participated in the study from November of 2003-November of 2004 and I'm thankful I did! Each year, I am contacted by the research study to update my health. This year however, I was approached by the study to find out if I would be interested in having another MUGA Scan done and then another in 5 more years to help aid in research. Initially, no. The human part of me just wants to put all the cancer memories behind me. Especially at this time of year. The medical proceedures flood back easily because from January-July of 2003 I was in a constant state of uncertainty. Knowing something was wrong but despite countless doctors and testing, no one could figure out what. Even now, the most routine medical test or visit can send me into a tailspill IF I do not take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ! Reminding myself of His truth.

So I thought it over, talked if over and prayed often. Someone or many someones surely had put their own comfort aside to take part in research so that others (like me) could benefit from drugs that would knock out cancer cells. I want to give back and do my part in helping someone else. So, I called the lady back a few weeks later and told her yes, I'd participate. She scheduled my Muga Scan for April 22.

The morning of the 22nd my quiet time was based on peace, joy and righteousness. Exactly what I needed and knew God would provide throughout the day and right on time. Rick and I went to Tulsa and entered the very same building some of the initial cancer tests had been performed a decade ago. Initially, my heart raced and my nerves were rattled. Then, I deliberately changed what I thought on. I prayed and repeated scriptures to myself. Peace came. Blood was drawn, monitors were applied and I laid on the table ready for the testing to begin. Immediately, I began to pray and scripture flooded my mind. I quietly spoke it and let it wash over my spirit. Peace.

Suddenly, an alarm went off on the machine. The tech came in and pushed some buttons and left again. I picked up where I left off in my prayers and calm washed over me again. About a minute later the alarms sounded again. The tech said to me, "the machine thinks you're too relaxed" and kind of giggled and left again. This would happen about five more times and she joked asking if I could tell my body to keep my heart rate above 58.  Tears filled my eyes and my heart swelled with thankfulness because only God could give peace that passes undertanding. Only God can calm the fears. Only God could orchestrate a tangible way to show me His faithfulness.

Two days later the lady at the research study called to tell me the results of the MUGA Scan. My results were well above normal. Interestingly enough, the results were 7% better than in 2004. Seven percent. God's perfect number. A number that represents completion. Awed. He chose to show me my heart is not only healthy and strong but it's new. I am not the same person. Not only did he use the journey through the wilderness of cancer to draw me close to Himself, He healed me in many ways and He has given me a new heart. He  never left my side. It is true that when we seek Him with all our heart, we will find Him. I'm encouraged that He showed me proof that prayers and His word affect everything - including our fleshly body! Faith over fear! Truth over lies. Victory over defeat!

Psalm 51:10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.