Have you ever heard the saying, "when you hear hoofbeats, think horse not zebra" and wondered what that means? I heard it somewhere long ago and it's stayed with me.
So, I felt a lump in June.
My mind raced and I said to myself -it's a horse, not a zebra. I had a mammogram 3 months ago - can't be anything. I began to pray, asking God to calm my soul and give me clarity of thought. Peace. Wisdom. All the things He can and does so richly provide. He's so faithful and trustworthy.
I prayed and continued reading scripture and talking to myself, instead of listening to myself, if that makes sense. I decided to be brave, be of good courage, when one morning as I was reading His word - God so clearly brought to my mind a scripture from Judges 5 of all places. "March on my soul, be strong!" Speaking to Deborah. Also, speaking to me because God does not change. His ways do not change. He is still speaking. Be strong, my child I sensed Him whisper to me.
So, I grabbed my phone and called my one and only favorite surgeon! I hope you never need one, but if you do Dr. F is the man! I thanked God that 17 years later, he's still working and although the time to see him was 21 days later than I hoped, I at least had an appointment. For that I was grateful.
I'm not a big waiter. I mean who is really!? I don't often take, nor recommend the 'let's watch and see' approach especially in matters pertaining to health. So, the appointment was made and for the next 21 days Rick and I prayed. Fervently. And you know what?! His presence was so close to us collectively and individually. I enlisted the prayers and support of some close friends and of course my precious family. And we waited. Expectantly. We stood on truth and we prayed for and received peace - among many other things. Praise music played most of each day because I'm human and my mind is a battlefield. But, the Lord inhabits praise!
The day finally came and Rick and I drove that drive to his office on July 17. We've certainly had our share of doctors dates over the past almost 31 years together. Part of the sickness and health vow we made in 1989. It's still time together and it's precious. I cannot imagine my life without Rick. He is steady and loving and he cares for me well. So, we drove and we talked and we prayed and I cried. I wasn't feeling particularly brave at that moment.
We navigated our way to his office as he's relocated since July 2003. But, gracious - Dr. F has the most calming presence. He has confidence and wisdom and I trust him so fully. God has used him before in my life, to save me, and while I prayed for deliverance from it, I also knew my God, with or without the help of my doctor, can and would deliver me through it. And His promise that His presence goes with me He will never leave or forsake me. That made me brave.
When I was in the third grade I had a less than warm fuzzy teacher. She'd never been married and she was stern. She never smiled. I was nervous and full of nerves all year. I never spoke in class. I kept my head down and did the work. Followed the rules. I never got out of line. I think that might be when I first started flying under the radar to avoid attention. It was my first experience with anxiety. I was constantly sick to my stomach and drove my parents nuts nightly not sleeping and every morning begging to not go to school.
However, God did use her in a mighty way. Every morning we stood as a class and we opened our Bibles in that public elementary school room. We collectively recited Psalm 23 and it didn't take long for that to be massaged deeply into the soil of my heart. That Psalm was then and has since been foundational to my faith and relationship with my God. To begin to know who God is. He is the good shepherd. And He is MY shepherd. Jehovah Rohi - Divine Shepherd.
It's amazing how many times since those days long ago that He uses that Psalm to bring me peace, comfort and assurance. Just as He intended then and now. I will walk through the 'valley of deep darkness' as it says in Psalm 23. But, I have no reason to fear because~ He is with me. He used the rod to fight off the enemies that threatened the helpless sheep! He used the staff to bring the same, prone to wander sheep, close to Him. There are amazing truths woven through that Psalm and I am banking on His word. Surely, His goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life! As I go. For those to follow me, I must be moving!
The three of us visited and caught up and then got down to business. I know how to read Dr. F's words and responses. I knew when he started the ultrasound, snapped pictures and used the word 'ominous' that there may be a zebra, not a horse making those hoofbeat sounds.
He said to me, let's do a biopsy. Okay, let's. And he said 'wanna do that today?' He knows me. And every other woman who is in the waiting. And it's terrifying. So, right here. Okay let's. Now is good - no more waiting. So, I laid on that table while my best friend and husband sat at the end of the table near me. I knew he was praying for me through the process. He always does.
A few tears fell out of the corners of my eyes and I repeated over and over - talking to myself and speaking His truth which is greater - not listening to my flesh- 'He will keep me in His perfect peace because I am steadfast, trusting Him.' Isaiah 26:3. A verse familiar to my life because Jesus tells us in John - In this world you will have trouble, but I have overcome the world. And in James we are told to count it all joy when we face trials of many kinds because we know the testing of our faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. As Preslie and I have quoted to one another often through our years of homeschooling - we don't quit, we persevere. Indeed.
I can share so many more truths from His word- and I will throughout this journey - because here's the thing. I am not, nor do I want to be a poster child for breast cancer. However, as one of my daughters reminded me - I have been given a platform and with that a privilege and responsibility. And also this- most of all this -
My greatest desire is to let His light shine through me. I'm a jar of clay and full of cracks scripture says. But that's part of how His light shines through. For Him to be revealed in and through my life is what I want. The good, the bad and the unwanted trials. I want to be found faithful and while there are moments I am fragile and faithless and I get afraid and fall short...He never does. He is always faithful. And forgiving, and merciful and patient and He restores and revives my soul. Every time.
Friday, July 17, the day after the biopsy Addi came home from college and Preslie was at grandmas event and so, the three of us went to dinner and we played Skipbo for hours and we laughed. And we had a fun night and we didn't dwell on what the biopsy's result would be. His peace prevailed. My doctor said he would call by Saturday. We knew, when he knew, he would call. Turns out he knew the results Friday evening, but decided to wait til morning. I'm so glad he did. I believe God prompted that in him and we got to enjoy a wonderful evening together and the news was easier to hear in the morning, when His mercies were new!
The next morning, my husband woke up 55! But, sadly, his birthday wouldn't bring the news we wanted. Not the present I planned no doubt. But, the phone call came as Dr. F's cell phone number popped up and the news I never wanted to hear again.
'it's cancer'
Zebra, not horse.
But, even in that unwanted diagnosis, so much mercy! So much good news! It's early. It's not a recurrence from 2003~PTL! Completely new cancer. And fast forward a minute - spoiler alert of sorts - about 3 weeks after surgery in August, we would receive more great news that the testing shows it had a low recurrence score! Great news! It's estrogen receptive, clear margins and so treatable! And no genetic link! PTL!
Our whole family gathered around our pool that night and we ate cake and ice cream! And we celebrated and we laughed and we made memories that we will look back on and see His hand and remember His presence. And we will continue to do that because this little family of mine are some of the greatest blessings in my life and meant to be enjoyed. A cancer diagnosis cannot take that from me. It will not take that away from us!
I'd say this journey so far has been marked by waiting. Nothing has come quickly and that's actually turned out to be a gift. In 2003 there was more urgency. It was more serious and they were more aggressive about it. Because I was 37 and I had a newborn, a 3 year old who had barely celebrated her birthday, a 6 year old and a 10 year old. I had a husband and a life! I had people who needed me, work to do and I didn't have a lot of time to process and wait. But, today, I am able to process and pray and seek Him and find Him throughout the moments of each day. And that's good news. It's rarely about the destination and more about the journey and what happens along that journey.
Have you noticed that Jesus never seemed to be in a hurry? Read the Gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. You'll see. He didn't get bent out of shape by interruptions and delays and there were plenty! A bunch! He always reached the destination, but He always met people along the way and He met needs and changed people. As only He can. He's still doing that today. He promises when we seek Him, we will find Him.
A month later, August 17, Rick and I woke up and had our quiet time together as we do every single day and have done for almost 2 decades. It's that steady, consistent time we spend building our relationship with the Father and fellowshipping with one another that strengthens our faith. Allows us to stand firm. The only thing missing was my coffee. You know, the pesky little rule about no food or drink past midnight before surgery!
But, His word - the word made flesh - Jesus - He is the bread of life and satisfies. He always does. The Word is living and active! We prayed and we gave our God praise. He is always worthy! And while we believe cancer is from the pit of hell - My God has overcome! I had surgery at 12:00 noon on the 17th and can I tell you that those numbers significance were not lost on me.
This year marks 17 years of me being cancer free! And I am again. Hallelujah. I have been grateful for health and healing and all the gifts each day brings and I want to always be. He extended my life and words are inadequate to express my gratitude.
Twelve o'clock surgery - 12 is such a powerful number in scripture. From beginning to end - Old Testament and New. Yes, it represents power and authority. Both of which He is - so we just remarked about those little 'God-winks' that He sprinkles in and we are reminded He is in the details.
Surgery consisted of a mastectomy and I am now cancer free!! Also, began the reconstruction process and it's all so symbolic of so much in my life - the cutting out, pruning what needs to be pruned so I can bear much good fruit in keeping with Him. And God is the perfect gardener. He created the garden we are told in Genesis. He created all things in the garden and His beloved, perfect Son would die in the garden to save our souls. To forgive us of every sin and provide eternal life for everyone who will believe!
And God, the gardener, holds me carefully in His hand while the pruning is done. In John 15 we read about it. "I am the true vine and my Father is the gardener." He tells us He prunes to make us more fruitful. We are told to remain in Him and He will remain in us and when we do , we bear much fruit! It is to His glory that we bear much fruit! It shows we are His disciples. And because He is my Heavenly Father and I am His child and there is a relationship, I know I am safe in His hands. And I want to bear good fruit! We know from Galatians that the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control! We can all use more of that! This world so desperately needs Jesus.
And know this...we also have a real enemy. I don't want to give him too much credit or time, but want to deal with him as I'm told in the word.
1 Peter 5 talks of our enemy, the devil -- he prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. It's not going to be me! Not today! He disguises himself as light. He is the deceiver. The father of lies. It's his native language.
So, what do we do about him... Verse 9 says, "resist him, standing firm in your faith" Ephesians 6 tell us lots about how to stand firm! We are to daily put on the armor of God. There are 7, not 6 pieces of armor! The belt of truth, the breastplate of righteousness, feet fitted with the gospel of peace, the shield of faith, the helmet of salvation, the sword of the spirit, which is the word of God and PRAYER!!!! And stand. Furthermore, I love the reassurance of verse 10 of 1 Peter 5 which says, "And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To Him be the power forever and ever. Amen"
On Monday, September 21 we met with an oncologist. My surgeon recommended him so I already was confident he was going to be extraordinary. I've been praying for him for weeks. Knowing God will be using him to care for me. I asked God for some reassurance or confirmation that Dr. C was the one and I almost burst our laughing at one of the ways He did it.
Dr. C is everything you want in an oncologist. Though I pray you never need one. He is kind, compassionate, brilliant and he knows his stuff! As he talked to us about the 4 ways to treat cancer he wrote down surgery, chemo, radiation and hormone blocking drugs. He put a checkmark beside surgery and said 'that's a chip shot' and repeated the same thing for the hormone blocking drug.
A chip shot in case you don't know, is a golf term and being from a hard core golf family, it wasn't lost on me! It was personal and had meaning. A chip shot is basically a shot made from a short distance to the green and the ball is launched so it will land on the green and roll toward the hole!~ So, he laid out the plan for me and this ball is rolling toward the hole!
The logistics are simply this...I will have a port put in on October 5. It's a simple and quick outpatient procedure and then I will have my first chemo treatment on Friday, October the 9th. We will do a total of 4 and we will also do a 3-4 week round of radiation daily. Then I will do the hormone blocking drug for 5-10 years. Leaving no chance for what my surgeon referred to saying, 'we do not want a 3rd lightning strike.' Indeed. Nothing left on the table. That's the way I like it. Overkill.
In between there, since I'm in the process of reconstruction, I will have the expander replaced with the permanent implant! I want to say thank you to those of you (and you KNOW who you are LOL) how offered to donate your unwanted, extra tissue for the reconstruction! Wouldn't that have been something else!?
Anyway, up to this point I have kept this amongst a pretty small group of people, so it may seem odd to bring it out to the open. If you know me well, I like to fly under the radar as I mentioned earlier. Sometimes I just want to push through, get it over with and close the chapter. Stay private. I don't want you to see me as a cancer patient. That is not my identity. I am a child of God. That is my identity! This is just a part of my story. But, going back to the platform and privilege and might I add, responsibility. I do not want to shrink back.
But, I also don't want this to be in vain. I do not know if you'll follow along or if you do what your reasons may be. I do hope it's beneficial. I know I'm responsible for obedience as I trust Him for the outcomes.
Especially, most importantly, eternally. But, I'm fully convinced and try to live remembering that I'm responsible for obedience to what I believe He calls me to and also to do the giving and not feel responsible for someone else's receiving. I am attempting to use the gifts and the work He has given to me for His glory and honor. To know Him and make Him known. And remembering, what the enemy intended for evil, my God will (and most certainly is) using for good! He always does.
I'll stumble and fall no doubt along the way. But, in my weakness He makes me strong. And as Paul said - His grace is sufficient! That is truth! I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!
May the Lord bless and keep you and make His face shine upon you, be gracious to you, lift up His countenance upon you and give you peace. Numbers 6
Yahweh, Yahweh is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands and forgiving wickedness and rebellion and sin. Exodus 33
All for His glory -
Mindi ~
No comments:
Post a Comment