No Denying it Now

It's a strange thing  - cancer.  Looking at me, sometimes you'd never know and yet, sometimes there'll be no mistaking it.

A nagging headache for about 5 days due to the steroids was bearable. It began the day before my chemo treatment and lasted until Tuesday after. So, for 5 days I felt a bit off and had the reminder - the visual. 

Now, for the past 8 or 9 days I've felt 100% normal and PTL I've been able to just function and do life as I normally would! I've been taking care of my family, playing games, watching shows together, making meals, doing laundry  cleaning house, picking up Preslie from school, running errands - all the things.  I've had no doctor appointments and life has been simply ordinary. And you know what? I love my ordinary life! I do not need trauma or drama. Never have and I do not need a lot of hoopla and excitement. 

I'm a simple girl and I like the simple things of life.

Good food around the table with people I love, watching the sunsets on the patio, a comfy bed, hot coffee and my Bible first thing of a morning, visits with my people, my dog at my feet while I read or watch tv, walks on the quiet country road, familiar face pop up on my phone throughout the day,  a sonic drink mid-afternoon are among the things that make life - life - and the gentle rhythm of my day as I know it. 

I can go long periods of time without acknowledging this unwanted reality. 

But, today washing my hair in the shower was a harsh slap back into my current reality as strands and strands of my hair wound around my fingers and fell in heaps onto the shower floor along with my tears. 

There is just no denying it now. Hair loss is just hard and as silly as that may seem it brings me to tears. 

I hate that I'm losing my hair. My dad always called it my crowning glory and as a female - hair just makes me feel so. I am one of those people who showers and washes my hair every. single. day. I have a routine and fixing my hair and applying make-up is just part of that. There are days when we're working, especially on the weekends, where my routine may not happen until mid-afternoon - but make no mistake...my hair will be washed and styled and make-up applied. I don't have great eye lashes so mascara is a must.

Sadly, those will likely be gone soon as well and it's just hard. 

I hate it. I really do. And right now I'm mad about it. I know there are worse things in life- some are suffering in unfathomable ways - but there are also better things and right now I'm angry. I'm not trying to candy-coat this part of it. I've had parts of my body amputated and reconstructed and never shed a tear. But, my hair. It's hard and right now, I'm just pretty mad about it and angry that my body is having to endure these chemicals because things went haywire! 

But, I won't stay here. I'll allow myself to grieve a moment or two. Tears will fall along with the hair and that'll be part of the healing for me. To work through it and not make it worse than it already is, because cancer sucks.  Make no mistake - it will not rob me of more than it already has tried to take! 

In 2003, I think I just failed to deal with every emotion and thing I was feeling. Thought I just needed to buck up and endure like a good soldier. Keep a smile and a good attitude and move on. I was just pushing through and quite frankly just avoiding the emotional part of it because I just needed to focus on my body healing and being wife to Rick and mom to my 4 young children. 

I wanted to protect Rick and the kids and assure them I was doing just fine and they didn't need to worry about me. It was my job to protect and care for them and part of that was protecting them all that was happening behind the scenes along the way. 

But, those babies have grown into amazing adults and what I'm finding is they don't need me to protect them right now. And God has been equipping and preparing them, building their faith and trust in He who is greater! They encourage me and blow me away on a regular basis and I guess that's part of the beauty of having adult children. While in my minds eye they are babies - they're adults and they've been on their own journey with Him and He's been at work in their hearts and lives and He is their shield and protector - all-sufficient One and I can just be Mom! 

So, right or wrong, good or bad, I'm not just stuffing down the feelings and instead I'm working through them, facing them, processing them and letting my heart heal along the way.

My body is well. The cancer is gone. 

But, my heart. It needs some time and some TLC because I've tried to keep it from feeling anything unwanted along the way. So, there will be tears and some grieving, but joy comes in the morning. And there is a time to mourn and there is a time to dance.  And I'm still going to be singing praises to God through the tears and know He sees me. He is with me. He is bottling up every tear and He is working all things for my good and His glory. 

All for His glory - 

Mindi